Category Archives: It’s not you, it’s me.

Reason #139 – Ice cream and chocolate

I love ice cream.

I love chocolate.

Therefore I really love when they’re both combined, such as in the case of Cornettos and Drumsticks.

So you would think my perfect date would involve one of these…no.

I have a slight issue with these ice creams – mainly that I can only eat them in private because well…umm…this happens:

Homer Simpson with ice cream on his face

I get ice cream all over my face

Yep. Just like a child.

No matter how careful I am I always end up with chocolate all over my face. Mainly my nose.

I have no idea how (and no big nose jokes)

Therefore it’s best to just not eat them in public…unless there’s a bathroom close by that I can dash into with a napkin over my mouth pretending I’m having a coughing fit.

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Reason #138 – I stress myself

I get stressed very easily and I don’t always help myself.

I will put off assignments until the last minute then stress when I start them the week before.

Your job is to calm me down, NOT point out that it is MY fault!!

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Reason #137 – I don’t learn

The routine is always exfoliate then shave and there is a reason for this, which is it freaking hurts to do it the other way.

I have sensitive skin so it’s especially painful for me.

Clearly, I know this, yet on Saturday I found myself shaving without exfoliating first. Now this in itself is not a problem. There is no rule saying you have to exfoliate before shaving, but you should NOT do it after and what do you think I did?

While a normal person would think, “oh I forgot to exfoliate first, never mind, I’ll just leave it for today.” Me, I think, “oh maybe I’ll just do it after, I’m sure it won’t be the same as last time.” And what do you think happened? Yep. Rash. I spent all of Saturday night and Sunday sulking with red, itchy legs.

Do not laugh or say I told you so or even dare bring this up when I do it again!

(Also do NOT type razor burn or shaving rash into Google images. Hopefully I will learn from this at least!)

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Reason #134 – Twas Convenience, Not Curiosity, that Killed the Cat

As mentioned in my previous post I can be lazy, that’s why I was so excited by the innovation that is spray-on moisturiser. It’s so easy! No bending or trying to figure out the right amount needed – just spray and rub in and you can get all those hard to reach places, it’s like a triple win!

Picture of Palmers spray moisturiser

In case you wondered, this is the moisturiser I’m using and no I am not getting paid to promote it (though I wish I was!)

Now, you’re probably wondering what this has to do with…well…anything. OK here’s the problem, while spray is very convenient and quick (and ok, fun!) it has a downside. It gets on the floor and makes it slippery.

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you will know that I am quite possibly the most uncoordinated person on this planet, so what do you think happens when I use spray moisturiser? Yep. I slip. While a normal, rational and reasonable person might think, “well maybe I just won’t use it anymore,” I have a very annoying little voice in my head whining at me, “but it’s just soooo easy!!”

Warning slippery floor sign

I make slipping look fun!

I had reached an impasse. That’s when I had a brilliant idea – I will stand in the shower when I spray. I can just feel you rolling your eyes at me and thinking, “oh my God, what a moron.” Yes. It was a stupid idea. Shower is already slippery. Adding slippery moisturiser means it’s MORE slippery. So I still slip and I also end up cleaning the shower afterwards so it probably ends up taking the same amount of time that it would have if I had just used ordinary moisturiser. But the nagging voice persists.

So yes, despite all this, I will still use spray-on moisturiser and I will still complain about its slippery-ness. Don’t try to change me. Just accept the fact that my laziness might one day kill me.

See, t’was truly convenience, not curiosity, that killed the cat (the cat being me).

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Reason #131 – PMS

PMS effect every woman differently. Mostly in a negative way. When it comes to me, I would say that PMS has the same effect on me as anger on Bruce Banner. I turn into a mini-hulk type figure stomping around yelling “ELENA SMASH!” (I would love to tell you I’m exaggerating but I have actually been known to do this when I’m really annoyed at something or someone.)

Mini hulk

RAWR!! ELENA MAD! ELENA SMASH!!!

So when I have PMS I would advise you stay away (but not too far or else I will start crying and accuse you of ignoring me) and tread lightly. And for your own safety, please for the love of God do NOT eat my chocolate or ice-cream!

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Reason #130 – The Waiting Game

On chilly Winter mornings I like to play what I call the “waiting game.”

Here are the rules of the waiting game.

  • I wake first. I stick my foot out from under the blanket, it’s too cold to get up. The heating needs to be switched on, but if I get up to switch the heating on I’ll be cold (you see the problem here?!)
  • So I wait for you to get up
  • I pretend to be asleep
  • If you take too long I might cough or “accidentally” kick you
  • When you wake up, you will get up (straight away) and put the heating on (and maybe be lovely and make a cup of tea for me), thus solving my problem

And this is how we play the waiting game, and don’t think you can beat me at the waiting game because I have had a lot of practice at this and I can play for hours!

Reason #129 – I’m a commitment-phobe

Yep. You read that right, I hate commitment.

In the evenings, when I have several hours before bed, I could sit down and watch a movie, but I just can’t commit to that amount of time.

I will happily sit on the couch and watch 2 to 3 hours of mindless television and I know that I could have easily watched a good movie in that time but that involves commitment. What if I need to go out or do something? I can’t just NOT finish a movie.

That’s why I choose TV, it’s like casual sex of entertainment. I can watch several 20 – 40 minute shows and if I need do something else in the middle of those 2 to 3 hours, I can just wait until the end of the episode. No strings, no commitment, no questions asked.

I usually find something really mindless or something I’ve already watched so I don’t even need to give it my full attention and can concentrate on more important things (yes, much of this blog has been written with the television on, meaning that one of these short little posts can take me several hours to write because I keep getting distracted by the television)

Don’t try and find logic in this, I really don’t think there is any…

 

 

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Reason # 128 – I Don’t Need a Man

Not now that I have more than 100 followers!!

*Runs around house singing “I don’t need a man”*

Thank you so much for your support guys!

P.S. I was running around the house singing this song and dancing like a dork. I had no idea it was the pussycat dolls. I don’t normally like them but this song fits the situation.

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Reason #123 – Ginger Pride

Reason #123 – Ginger Pride

Make all the jokes you want, but I’m ginger and proud. 

Red head, ranger, call me what you like, I’m still proud of it.

(And in case you wondered, yes, I do have a soul…)

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Reason #121 – Maybe I Enjoy It

It seems that it has never occurred to some people that maybe there are people out there who just don’t want a relationship.

This is the standard party conversation I usually find myself in.
*Exchange names, pleasantries, how do you know the host, etc. etc.*
Random Generic Person: So do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Nope
Random Generic Person: Oh, I’m sorry.

OR

Random Generic Person: Oh, that sucks.

Why do people feel they have to pity the fact that I, or anyone for that matter, is single. Maybe we enjoy it. Maybe we’re having fun. Maybe we’re not ready for a relationship.

I’ve noticed men don’t seem to get asked this as much. Just because I’m female, doesn’t mean I need a partner.

GIF of Liz Lemon - If need be I'll marry myself

Preach it Liz Lemon!

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